Ice
by pharo
Summary: Sydney's secret is out---last chap. is up.
1. Change

****

Ice

Author: Pharo

Disclaimer: 'Alias' belongs to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot, Touchstone, and ABC.

Summary: Sydney's secret is out.

Spoilers: Up to and including "The Box (1)".

Feedback: pharo@onebox.com

Author's Notes: I was making fan art ("Red"), when the idea came to my head. 

__

'I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand…' ---Goo Goo Dolls, _Iris_

----

__

"Joey's Pizza."

"Not now." 

"Joey's Pizza." 

"Wrong number," I said with a sigh.

I briskly walk down the wet streets, my head bent low and tucked into the high collar of my jacket. I don't bother taking my eyes off the cracked streets. Dark clouds loomed above me while the wind pushed me along. The _big _storm would come in an hour—maybe even less. Every TV channel had constant weather updates with precautionary tales and last minute advice on guarding the house. I could care less about all that stuff right now. All I want is to forget about things for awhile, but things have a way of working against me. This walk just makes me think more about everything. Not to mention that two minutes after I left the house, it started pouring again—big, fat drops of cold water spilling from the sky. Now, I'm thinking that maybe this walk wasn't such a good idea.

As I wait for the cars to pass by, I pull out a pack of cigarettes from my jacket pocket. Fumbling around for awhile, I finally find the sleek, silver lighter. A drunk Francie gave it to me a couple of years ago.

"You know I don't smoke, Francie."

"You're bound to smoke some time in your life. Something that'll make you say, 'To hell with health. I need a cigarette.' You can use that when that time comes."

"Nice outlook on life."

"Can't be happy forever, Syd."

It's the truth. I'd settle for being happy for just a little while, but I don't see it happening anytime in the near future.

At this moment, I feel like throwing it into the gutter, but I love it too much to do something stupid like that. After turning it over a couple of times, I finally light a cigarette from the pack and put everything back in my pockets. 

"Since when do you smoke?" he asks when I arrive at the pier.

"Not a bad time to start," I simply state. "Helps keep the cold away."

The cold I feel because of mother. Some lady that I guess, I don't even truly know, is making me feel worse than I ever have before.

"How are you feeling?"

"Cold."

"We could go to the warehouse if---" 

I shake my head. No, he doesn't understand.

"All the warmth in the world, Vaughn, won't be able to stop me from feeling cold," I say sadly. He looks at me and I can see fear in his eyes. 

"Are you ok?" he asks, fully knowing what the answer is. 

"No."

"Anything I can do?"

Strangely, at that moment, I remember the commercials with the "Just Say No" slogan as if he's offering me some sort of drug.

"I don't think so."

"Sydney, I'm really sorry about this thing with your mother," he says. 

I know he wants to tell me something to make me feel better, but he isn't sure if anything will. What can he possibly say that could stop the pain of so great a loss for even a minute?

"So am I."

***

He asked me if I wanted a ride back. It was raining and I didn't have an umbrella, but even so, I told him that I'd walk. I opted to walk the fifteen minutes to my house in the rain, rather than get there in a dry five. I think my thinking is becoming a bit impaired with all this saving the world stuff. How am I supposed to save the world when I can't even save myself?

I say 'no' to the wrong people. I should've thrown away the card that man gave to me my freshman year. I should've never gotten involved. I should never have told Danny that I was 'CIA'. I should have taken Vaughn up on his offer to drive me. From the look on his face, I could see that he would've been willing to drive me to the ends of the world at that moment.

I realize that I've made it to my door. I manage to open the door and get inside before I get even more drenched than I already am. I peel my jacket off and throw it on a chair. I'm so tired of all this. 

"Ever heard of an umbrella, Syd?"

I look up and see Will looking for some food in my refrigerator. If Francie and I opened up some sort of fast food place, we could really survive off of Will alone. I'll have to talk to Francie the business venture when she gets home…

"Will, do you only come over to eat?"

"I got hungry. Been waiting for like an hour. Where were you, anyway?" 

"I had to take care of some bank stuff," I say. 

I wonder how many times I say that in a week. I don't even have to think about it anymore. It just blurts out naturally. 

"What is with you and the bank?" 

"People like to know that their money is safe."

"Really, you could get the same amount of money and work _less _at other jobs," he insists. 

"Will…"

How many times can you have the same conversation? The same stupid conversation with the same stupid lies on rotation over and over again. 

"I know, I know. It's your job…" 

I want to open up that fast food place---only for non-government working people. Except for, maybe, Vaughn. It'd be ok to let Vaughn eat here.

"…It's ok to quit, you know," Will is saying.

I'm tired of lying. In that moment, the flood of lies goes dry and something just lets loose in me.

"No, it's not. Trust me, I've tried, but it's just not possible. When the fate of the world depends on you doing your job, you do it."

"Syd, what are you talking about?" he asks, confused.

The moment of truth. My mind goes blank and my mouth grows a life of its own.

"I work for the CIA."

He starts laughing. 

"See, with stuff like that, you could totally go into acting. You're a natural---"

I take out my clearance card and slide it across the kitchen counter to him. It isn't so funny now, is it? 

"Sydney---"

He only calls me 'Sydney' when he's dead serious. 

"What the hell---"

He looks up at me with wide eyes and I see the fear. Will is scared of me. I think it's at that point that I fully realize what I've just done. Not only have I breached national security, I've put my best friend's life in danger. 

"Oh God, Will…"

"So, the bank is some sort of metaphor?" he asks, looking down at the card again.

"Will, you can't tell anyone," I plead desperately.

"The trips are missions?" he asks and I'm not sure that he's heard a word I've said. 

"Don't tell anyone. Not Francie, not Charlie, not Jenny. No one knows."

He looks up at me.

"The CIA is higher than the FBI and _you_ work for _them_. That's like higher than...that's like past Mulder and---"

Oh no. What the hell did I do?

"You carry around guns and stuff?"

I do the only thing I can think of doing. I call Vaughn.

***

__

"You what?"

"I told Will."

"You didn't…"

"It just happened."

"Oh, I can totally see that. 'Hi Will. Bad weather out there. How's your day been? By the way, I'm CIA.'"

"Vaughn, I think he's in shock."

"Did you try telling him it's some sort of prank?"

"He's not stupid. I don't know what to do."

"I'll be over in five minutes."

***


	2. Night Off

****

***

Five minutes have come and gone and he still isn't here. Maybe he told Devlin. Maybe he decided that there was no way he could help me and called on someone else to do the job. Maybe SD-6 caught him on his way here and now they're busy trying to get information from him.

Ding-dong. Maybe he's right here.

"Hey," I greet as I open the door to let him in. "What took you so long?"

"Traffic."

Right. Traffic. Why didn't I think of that?

"Vaughn, before you say anything, I just want to say that I didn't mean to tell him. I…I was just so tired of lying to him all the time and before I knew what happened, it was out and he knew. And then he became weird. Like he started babbling and Will doesn't babble unless it's serious."

"Ok."

That's all he has to say about this? I might have just ruined all our lives and he's saying, "ok"? 

"That's all?" I ask, unable to stop the disappointment from sounding in my voice.

"Syd, what do you expect me to say? You want me to tell you that it isn't the smartest of moves to tell a civilian that you're a double agent---"

"I didn't tell him I'm a double agent and he's not just a civilian. He's one of my best friends," I say, feeling my anger rise up.

"You think SD-6 is going to care if he's your friend or not? You think the CIA lets it go when you tell people you know that you don't exactly work at the cheese factory? No, Syd, they don't give a damn who he is if he knows."

"I know. Maybe better than you do," I say. "He's in the den."

He follows me into the den. I realize then that it's the first time he's ever been _in_ my house. Too bad it couldn't have been under better circumstances.

"Will, this is---"

He was gone. I leave the guy alone for one moment to gain composure and he bails. Perfect. 

"Great," he mutters from behind me. "Explain to me how Regular Joe can get away from kick ass Sydney Bristow?"

I'd smile at the compliment if I weren't so busy wondering where he went.

"He probably went home," I suggest. "Maybe we should let him think about it. Put everything into perspective."

"We have to find him. If he tells---"

"Let's go," I say before he can finish his sentence. "I don't want to face any 'ifs'."

***

It's quite uncomfortable driving in a car with a CIA agent when you've infringed CIA rules. There's only one thing on both of our minds at this very moment: finding Will. All we needed was a little animosity and it would be like the father-daughter bonding activities I have with Dad. 

"What if we can't find him, Vaughn? What if he's not home?" I ask, breaking the silence.

"Let's hope he is," he answers calmly.

He'd probably do really well on those fancy lie-detector tests that he trained me for. Michael Vaughn aces test. The prize for his troubles: his life. 

"Would you mind if we stopped by one place really quickly?" he asks, breaking through my thoughts.

"Not at all."

"I just have to drop something off," he explains.

"No problem."

I turn to glance at him and take in that he's not in a suit. A hooded Kings sweatshirt and jeans. 

"Was it your night off?"

I'm afraid, he'll say, "Why yes, Sydney it was. My one and only night off, ruined because of your stupidity."

"It's no big deal," he says. He gives me a little smile before turning his attention back to the road. 

"I didn't mean to take your night off away from you."

"I've got other nights off."

No, he doesn't---none this week anyway. 

"Sorry," I say again.

"Don't worry about it."

We stop in front of this brick-house-resembling-apartment place.

"I'll be right back," he says before running out into the pelting, heavy rain.

He knocks on the door and waits in the freezing cold for someone to open it. Weiss opens it a couple of seconds later and he hands him a piece of paper.

"Tickets," I say out loud to no one in particular. 

The Kings are playing tonight and he had tickets to the game. Tickets that he has given because of me. Now I feel really bad. 

"You had tickets to the game?" I ask when he comes back in.

"Yeah, but it's no loss when you already know what's going to happen."

"You're psychic too?"

"They'll win. Everyone knows it."

"You speak the words of a true fan," I say with a smile.

Before he can respond, my cell phone rings. It's Francie.

"Hey Francie."

"Syd, where are you? It's crazy outside," she says.

I can just picture her pulling the shades aside a little and looking out our rain-smeared window. I probably should've left a note or something. 

__

CIA calls. Out to find Will before he opens his mouth and gets killed. I'll grab something to eat while I'm running from SD-6. Don't stay up. -Sydney

"Some stuff with the bank came up. I might not get home till really late---or early---whichever way you want to look at it."

"As long as your safe."

As safe as being in a car during a storm is…

"Yeah, I'm good. I'll see you later."

I disconnect with a sigh. I want to be at home, sitting on our warm, dry couch. I want to be pigging out on popcorn and beer while Francie and I watch _Sleepless in Seattle_. 

"You ok?" Vaughn asks.

"Yeah, just thinking about the cold that rain brings."

He turns the heater up to a higher level.

"Better?" he ask.

"Much," I say.

He smiles at me and I feel a tingle go through my body.

No, not tingly. Friends don't feel tingly about friends. Tingly is a big, fat 'no'. The cold air is making me cold. That's it. That's _all_.

"Syd, I think we're here," he says and suddenly I feel my body temperature lower.

"I hope he's here."

For all our sakes, he _better_ be here. 


	3. Shadows

***

Knock. Knock. Knock. Three successive raps on his door and still no answer. 

"Will, open the door," I whisper to myself. "It'll be ok."

Vaughn gently touches my shoulder and I remember once more that he's standing right next to me. I look at him and he offers me a small smile. 

"I have a key," I say with a sigh. "He gave it to me about a year ago. He said that it was incase I ever needed a place to stay. I never used it though."

Why am I even telling him all this? It's just a waste of time. I guess that a part of me wants him to get away. I want him to just escape while I'm telling Vaughn about all these tiny tidbits that he never asked to know. I want Will to get away so I won't have to face him. I won't have to explain the "bank stuff" I've been doing. I won't have to see the fear and confusion in his eyes…

I shake my head, find the key on my key chain, and slowly put it into the whole. I look at Vaughn. He nods at me to go ahead and turn the key, so I do.

"Will," I call out, turning on the lights to his dark house. "You here?"

Vaughn looks around the house and I feel like I should be telling him to "move out and cover all grounds" or some other government order. 

"He isn't here," Vaughn says, shaking his head. 

"You got that too?"

"Where else could he be?"

"Anywhere."

"Could you be a little more specific?" he asks.

"As much as I hate to say this, maybe we should look through some of his stuff, in case he came here. Maybe he left some clues or something."

I'm a great friend, right?

"I'll take the papers."

I look through his closets, but nothing seems to be missing. At least, Will doesn't plan on going on a long vacation. His stuff is still here---clothing, a couple of major credit cards, pictures…

I sit down on his bed and look at the framed picture on his nightstand. Francie, Will, and myself were standing on the track, all wet with the rain still falling. The smiles on our faces were as bright as the sun, though. 

__

"Will, why can't we take a picture inside? Or during a sunny day?"

"If we did that, Syd, it would be like every other picture every other person has ever taken in the world. I want this to be special," he had answered.

"Oh, this is special, alright. We're the only idiots on the track. Why are we here anyway? I don't even like jogging."

"The track is freeing," he replied to Francie. "Now are we taking this picture or not?"

The track, that's it.

"Vaughn," I shout, "I think I know where he is."

***

"Will," I call out, as soon as Vaughn parks the car. 

I run down to the track, still calling out his name, scared out of my mind that someone found him before he did. Vaughn is chasing after me, probably wondering when I got so stupid. If someone _did_ find Will, they could still be here and then I'm killing all of us. I know that, but right now I could care less. All that matters to me is finding Will ok. 

"Will!" I shout again, seeing him, soaked and standing at the track, looking at the bleachers. 

"I'm sorry," he says.

Any conversation that starts with 'I'm sorry' is bound not to go anywhere good.

"Will, are you ok?" I ask.

"I'm sorry," he repeats.

"Sorry about what, Will?"

"You could've told me, Syd. You'd be ok. I wouldn't tell anyone else, but you didn't."

"Will…"

"So I did it."

Oh no, what did he do?

"I didn't realize until afterwards what I did," he continues. "I didn't think about what could happen if I told them. I didn't care. In fact, I'm not sure if I even care now."

"Who'd you tell?"

"I have secrets, too. Who would've thought that our secrets would coincide with each other…"

"What secret?" I ask, not knowing what he is talking about.

I look at Vaughn and see the same confusion in his eyes.

"They recruited me when McNeil's daughter came to me. At first, they pitched the good guy scheme. I knew it wasn't true, but I didn't care. It didn't matter. I was tired of being the good guy, anyway. It never got me anywhere. Good Guy Will, the reliable doormat. Good Guy Will, go to him when you have problems. Good Guy Will, it's ok to lie to him when you don't need him. Well, Goo Guy Will isn't such a good guy. No, I called them tonight." 

Who did he call? Who is 'they'?

"I called SD-6."

I think I've just frozen.


	4. Fear

***

Fear has the ability to make you live through millions of 'what ifs' in a couple of seconds. It slows down time and speeds up the heart. It allows you to see everything in such bright color that all you want to do is shut your eyes and have someone sing to you. Fear makes you want to run until you can't breathe anymore, until everything is blurry and all you see is dull again. Fear makes you want to scream. It makes you want to cry. It makes you want to laugh at the sheer stupidity of it all. 

It makes you want to do a lot of things that you can't do because ultimately fear freezes you. Paralyzes you and leaves you vulnerable to the horrors of the world. It leaves you cold and alone, wishing for comfort from that old friend you should have called so many years ago or that new friend that has progressively become one of your best friends. 

Needless to say, I was afraid as soon as those words left Will's mouth. Vaughn, on the other hand, was angry.

"What the hell did you do?" he asks, through gritted teeth while I just stare at Will. Once best friend, now the death of us. 

"Don't judge me," Will warn. "You don't _know_ me." 

"Do you know what you did?" he ask. "Or are you just stupid enough to not thing about what's going to happen?"

"You don't understand, Agent Vaughn, that I don't care." 

We're going to die.

"Tick, tock. You've got five to ten, tops," Will says. "I'd run if I were you."

It's crazy that the nice guys always end up being the ones to ruin you. They're the most dangerous of them all. You never suspect that they'll do anything to hurt you and when they do, it just smacks you upside the head.

"We've got to get out of here, Syd," he says. 

"No, she can't go. Sorry. She has to be here when they come. They want her. You can go, though."

"I'm going and Sydney's coming with me," he says, grabbing my hand.

His comforting hand breaks through the fortress of fear. Everything is still slow though. I see Will pull out a shiny, black gun and point it at Vaughn. His finger is about to squeeze the trigger when out of nowhere my cell phone rings. The ring breaks straight through the monotonous sound of rain and I hear a shot go off. Before I even get a chance to frantically look around, I hear another shot and then someone pulling me.

"Let's go," Vaughn says. 

"Vaughn?"

"Syd, let's go," he says.

Oh God, he's alright. Vaughn is ok. Somehow, my legs manage to cooperate with him and we make it to the parking lot. 

"Wait," I say, stopping abruptly. "What about Will? Is he---"

"Your phone startled him and he missed."

"Did you shoot him?"

"In the shoulder. Syd, we have to go."

"We can't leave him, Vaughn."

He looks at me as if I'm some crazy person. 

"We have to go back."

"They could already be there," he says.

"We have to go back," I repeat. 

I let go of his hand and start to run back for Will. I can't leave Will. I hear his footsteps run after me. Back to square one.

We make it behind the bleachers and I'm about to call his name when Vaughn puts his hand over my mouth. He points to the track. 

Will's standing, clutching his right shoulder while being surrounded by Sloane and a couple of SD-6 guys.

"Where is she?" 

"She got away."

"Where did she go? Which way?"

He squeezes his eyes shut. 

"William, which way?"

"I think I want out," he says calmly. Who ever knew Will could stay so calm?

"Tell me where she is and you can go."

He looks straight out and I swear he saw straight past the bleachers into my eyes. This look of secrecy is passed between us for about five seconds before he straight at Sloane once more.

"Bite me."

Not a moment can pass before the guy next to him pulls out his gun and shoots. A deafening noise that rings throughout the entire track and ripples through the night sky, matched only by the thud of Will hitting the ground.

I feel a sob---it's actually half way between a sob and a scream---escape my throat and the tears flow down my cheeks. The stinging tears that I can't blink away. The accompaniment of a sharp pain in my heart and churning of my stomach. My legs suddenly feel very weak and if Vaughn weren't behind me, I'd definitely have fallen.

"Will," my whisper becomes muffled against Vaughn's sweatshirt. "Will…" 

I hear Sloane tell his men to "search the perimeters in case William wasn't lying" and then leave the track the other way.

Vaughn practically drags me back to the parking lot, into the car, and away from the track. 

"He went crazy, Syd. He went crazy," he says when we stop a safe distance away from the track.

I nod. I know he's right.

"He saw me. He had the chance to turn me in, but he didn't. He couldn't because he couldn't stop caring, no matter how hard he tried."

I look out the car window to see that it has stopped raining. I want to cry all over again because it reminds me of him. 

__

"You know Syd, I've always loved rain. I love the sound of raindrops hitting my umbrella. I love watching them fall from the sky in their perfect, slanted lines---lines that probably took years to perfect. But most of all, I love the comforting cold it brings---one that lingers even after the rain has stopped and washes all the bad away."

***


End file.
